The Death of The Dumbest Mainstream Conspiracy Theory Ever: RIP Havana Syndrome
Our beneficent ruling class has had cold water thrown on their very, super serious theory that muh Russia or perhaps muh China was shooting secret, invisible, brain-scrambling laser beams into the cerebrums of many of our courageous diplomats in order to give them headaches and what not.
Yes, this was a real thing they actually believed, or at least they did until the CIA released a report on the topic,
In a new intelligence assessment, the CIA has ruled out that the mysterious symptoms known as Havana Syndrome are the result of a sustained global campaign by a hostile power aimed at hundreds of U.S. diplomats and spies, six people briefed on the matter told NBC News.
In about two dozen cases, the agency cannot rule out foreign involvement, including many of the cases that originated at the U.S. Embassy in Havana beginning in 2016. Another group of cases is considered unresolved. But in hundreds of other cases of possible symptoms, the agency has found plausible alternative explanations, the sources said.
Thank you spooks for clearing that (mostly) up.
Of course, those “two dozen cases” where they “cannot rule out foreign involvement” are almost certainly bunk too.
For the uninitiated, this all started in, of course, Havana. In 2017, some diplomats started complaining of hearing an agonizing sound. Then shortly thereafter other diplomats at different embassies in different countries started complaining about similar issues leading to this utterly farcical subheading by the super serious journalist Julia Ioffe,
Members of the intelligence community are increasingly convinced that the Russian government is behind the hundreds of terrifying directed-energy attacks on diplomats and spies known as the Havana Syndrome. Will Congress respond to the “medium confidence” intelligence with countermeasures? As one member of the community told me, “We got bin Laden with medium confidence.”
As far as the “agonizing sound” in Havana goes, the Cubans claimed it was “coming from cicadas and crickets” and a State Department investigation confirmed that “The most likely source is the Indies short-tailed cricket, Anurogryllis celerinictus.”
I live in the Midwest and can confirm those damn cicadas can be quite annoying during the Summer. Their incessant chirping never quite got me to the point where I wanted to accuse the Russians of shooting laser beams into my brain, but that’s just me. To each his own, right?
The rest of these “cases” seem to be a weird mix of Munchausen’s syndrome or just random ailments amongst diplomats that mainstream conspiracy theorists drew lines between on a Pepe Silvia like diagram on the wall. At least, that seems by far the most likely explanation in light of the CIA’s latest assessment.
Just remember, when the same people who fell hook, line and sinker for the preposterous Havana Syndrome (and its corresponding invisible Russian laser beams) call you a “conspiracy theorist” and demand you be censored from the Internet and fired from your job for spreading “misinformation,” you should totally take them seriously.